5.4.16

And its a happy birthday to my boy Sam. Ive got him nothing. No card, no prezzy, no cake, and to be honest with you, i don't care. I am on the way back up, ish, but still feeling rough.
The worst bit, i think, is the horrid taste in my mouth. Constantly. Sometimes i sit with my mouth open encouraging fresh air. I look like a turtle. Maybe some shake 'n' vac would work. My mouth is swollen and feels like it has an overcoat on. Imagine what your tongue would feel like if you botoxed it all over, and then multiply that feeling by 10. Thats it!
The next thing is the waist pain! Goodness knows why? I feel like i have a belt strapped tightly round my waist and its causing a lot of discomfort. Chemo is so indiscriminate. It causes the weirdest of symptoms that you would never expect.
My skin is so sensitive. If i have an itch, i have to remember not to. It feels like I'm gouging out my flesh.
Sore eyes. I have to have 10 days of steroid eyedrops cos it can damage the eyes. These drops give me anxiety, as does everything else. They're not bad but the thought of doing them makes me feel nauseous. Purely psychological. Everything makes me feel nauseous. Even taking paracetamol can do it. I can understand anyone who needs meds for the anxiety.
Nausea. Constant mild nausea. Mouth watering and keeps me reaching for my digestive biscuits which seems to help the issue.  I don't know what id do if i ran out of my little life savers.
Headaches which exacerbate the nausea. I try to stay on top of headaches. Normally i would ignore a headache, but not these days.
Ringing in the ears. Another weird one. I can be sat minding my own business when suddenly theres bells chiming in my ears. Positively a wedding going on. It only lasts a short while, like most weddings (ooh cynical) but it finishes with a crackle.
And of course, theres the steroid swelling. It takes a while for this little darling to go back to normal. I finished steroids last friday and i still have to walk sideways to get through the door cos my face is so puffy
Sensitive head! Oh wow, this ones a corker. I have bristles where hair once was. And because of that, i have a cold head, a hot head, a cold head, a hot head....... the hat is on, off, on, off..... If my head gets cold i get a headache, a real nauseous one. Then i put the hat on and i get too hot. My head itches a little and of course if i scratch or rub it it flipping hurts. Wouldn't it be nice if i rubbed it and a big blue genie came out.
'You're wish is my command.'
What would i ask for i wonder?
How many times have i thought of this?  I could ask for a bigger more stylish house. A jaguar XK. A round the world trip. Maybe a house for each of my sons with no mortgage and bills. Pay off my friends mortgages. Money would buy all this. The one thing it can't buy is health!
'Mr Genie, i would like normal sized lymph glands please, and whilst you're there can you ensure everything stays the normal size for another 30 years or so, and maybe my family and friends could do with body organ normality.'
Or..... just cure cancer!
I remember many years ago my dad telling me a joke about a trappist monk (they take a vow of silence). Every 5 years they were allowed to see the Abbott and talk about something. The first 5 years passed and the monk saw the abbott and was asked what he would like to talk about. The monk said,
'The bed. it is the most uncomfortable lumpy bed and its keeping me awake every night.' 5 years later, the time came round and the monk was asked what he would like to talk about.
'The windows. They are so draughty and it gives me a painful back.' Another 5 years, another chat. 'The food is not to my taste, i am losing weight. I am going to have to leave the order.'
'Thank god for that. In the last 15 years all you've done is moan!'
Thats me! All i do is moan, and all i can do is apologise. Im sure in a few days i will feel a bit better and stop my whinging......till the next part of the process. But one day, it will all be over! Its hard to believe, but it will be.  Never will i moan again!